Pain is all I know.
Fortunately, there are different levels, so as I look back at times in my life that were less painful than this, they seem joyous and trivial. Each new level of pain is like graduating to a new stage of life (and with each new level come new people you can relate to, new people to uplift, and new stories to share).
I am at the pinnacle of my pain, so there is no joy here. My heart has sunk so far that I’m sure it will never return to where it started.
I yell for God to save me. Each day is too much to bear. I’m not sure how I breathe (God surely made this function automatic for times like these, because if breathing were manual, I wouldn’t have the energy to move forward).
Psalm 119:84
How long must your servant endure?
When will you judge those who persecute me?________________________________________________________________________________
Why, God, would you give me love and take it away?
Why, God, when I always felt alone, did you give me a home, just for her to seek shelter elsewhere?
Why, God, would you give me a family and take them back? God, you know I’ve always wanted a brother. You know how much I wish I had a grandmother. Why must you be so cruel, God?
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God, if you love me, why have you allowed these things to be done to me? Why do you continue to let me feel this pain, this pain that I cannot handle? And all the ways I would have dealt with pain in the past are sins against you and myself. So I sit, and I feel. I sit, and I feel it all (pause).
Either I or the pain must diminish soon.
Still, I know you are good, God. And I am foolish. My own choices have led me here. If only I could learn from something other than pain. Then, maybe You would have saved me from this. But my arrogance and my lack of discernment and close relationship to You have caused me pain and loss.
Surely my life is over. What I have been is no longer. I may be something new, or I may expire. I have prayed and prayed for You to take this pain away, and yet I still feel it. God, have you abandoned me? Or do You believe in me much more than I believe in myself?
Why, God, must I always be so strong? Is there no rest for my heart?
I am weak, Lord.
I am uninterested in things of this world.
I do not understand: What purpose is there for me to remain when my will to continue has gone?
Release me, Lord.
I am sorry to disappoint you. If you will not provide me with strength or relief, I cannot continue.
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I have enjoyed this experience.
My family has been a blessing.
I have not deserved the good fortunes you’ve given me.
I long for love but have found pain and grief.
I long for comfort and stability but have found nothing but injuries and chaos.
I long for a family but have been surrounded by strangers.
God, I long for you and the peace and certainty you can provide, but where are you?
Who am I, God? What use am I to you?
Lord, bless me, because these days are long and my will is weak.
Twentytwo
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